Why do we prefer spending time with our friends over our family? Some say it is because we pick our friends (God’s consolation prize) while we don’t pick our families. Insofar as we choose our spouses and decide to have children, we do have some say over our families. More likely, our time with our pals is more enjoyable because of our expectations. When we’re with friends, we bring sympathy and understanding and leave out some of the grievances we carry into interactions with family members. We tend to demand less from friends than we do from relatives or our romantic partners—and each friend provides us distinct benefits. For instance, one might be our confidante, another might make us laugh, while a third is our go-to for political discussion. We don’t insist that they be everything to us; thus we are less disappointed when a friend falls short in a certain way than we are when a parent or spouse does the same.
When working parents devote every scrap of free time to their children, their friendships are the first thing to slide. We know from research (and our own intuition quickly confirms this) that expecting one’s spouse to be everything is a recipe for disaster. Leaning on friends for intellectual stimulation, emotional support, and even just fun activities relieves the pressure of the overheated nuclear family. Busy moms and dads would do well to stop considering friends to be a nonessential luxury.
Kids themselves might also be more friend centered than they were, say, fifty years ago. Back then only children made up 10 percent of American kids under the age of eighteen. The latest census reveals that the ratio of “onlies” has doubled. There are about 14 million of them, and they are likely seeking out pals more because in-house playmates aren’t available to them.
In some ways we put friendship up on a pedestal: Think of all the popular movies and TV shows (such as, um, Friends) about tight clans whose members see each other through life’s awkward moments and dramatic trials alike. But if we understood how beneficial real friends were, I think we’d be less passive and more careful about how we treat them, even if other people, such as our partners or kids, officially occupy the primary places in our hearts.
Friendfluence, then, is the powerful and often unappreciated role that friends—past and present—play in determining the shape and direction of our lives. In the pages ahead, you’ll learn how friends affect us during different developmental phases. As children, we’re attached to our parents but preoccupied with our pals. Preschoolers who have trouble making friends tend to go on to have bad relationships with younger siblings, for instance. As middle schoolers, kids who don’t care what friends think of them do worse academically and socially in high school—and beyond. It’s not just that good friends are nice to have; the skills one needs to make good friends are the very abilities one generally needs to be successful in life. (“Tiger Moms” should rethink sleepover bans if they want their children to thrive in the social jungle, for which there is no adequate cramming course.)
When we are teenagers, friends co-create our fledging identities. Drug use, smoking, and early sexual activity are much more influenced by peer behaviors than by parental behaviors. The often overlooked flip side, though, is the positive influence of peer pressure. Teens who befriend academic achievers, for example, will often work to get their own grades soaring.
Adult friendships subtly steer our beliefs, values, and even our physical and emotional health. Although resolutions to enact new diet and exercise plans and vows to change our character are all too easy to break, if we befriend people whose philosophies and habits we admire, we naturally start adopting aspects of their personalities and lifestyles through a positive desire to be with and to be like our friends. The health-friendship connection is particularly compelling: One study of nurses with breast cancer found that women without close friends were four times as likely to die from the disease as women with ten or more friends.
The book will explore the “dark” side of friendship, too, to help you understand some of the uglier feelings that come along with amiable affection. Since friends have a hold over us, their power can damage and destroy just as it can heal and help. I’ll also tease out the conflicting findings about online friendship to clarify how the latest modes of electronic socializing alter our flesh-and-blood bonds.
Friendship has always been, and will always be, a cherished aspect of human life. But now, just as friendship is rising amidst the re-scrambling of social structures, we’re finally getting a handle on the complex ways that this relationship shapes us. Learning how we can get the most out of our friendships is an important endeavor for anyone concerned about well-being and unraveling the thick narrative strands contained within just one friendship is a fascinating exercise in its own right. The closest of friendships contain the mysterious spark of attraction and connection as well as drama, tension, envy, sacrifice, and love. For some, it’s the highest form of love there is.
~~Friendfluence -by- Carlin Flora
No comments:
Post a Comment